hello sportsfans!!

well it has indeed been some time. what has happened you may ask? well i am sure Mutha has pretty much been filling you all in on the gossip. but for those of you who might not follow her.....

ok so last post i think i had just moved back to brisbane from nsw.
well jawsome and i split, on good terms. it was really hard on me and i kinda shut everyone out for a while, but things are good now.

i got a job as a body piercer and moved back to my home town. gosh i missed this place. i may be mad, but this has always felt like home to me. i never wanted to leave in the first place.

anyway....

i found a new love whilst i was here. i shall call him Jew, as Mutha hasn't given him a pet name yet. and yes, he is jewish and proud of it.

we were together for about 7 months, but had a short split not long ago. i guess i was tired of things. i needed time to be me for a bit. that lasted a few weeks. we are now back together. my choice.

he has been my rock through some hard times. i am back on my mood stabilisers as things went downhill for me around february. i lost my house, my job and my nan all within 2 weeks of my birthday.

well, the lease ran out on the house we had and my housemate was moving into a place of her own and i couldn't afford to stay on my own. considering my work closed around the same time. pity. it was a nice house.

i am now living with Jew's sister. i have my own shed down the back. it's alright. the teen is currently sharing with me until we find other arrangements. it's weird cause we even have to share my bed. there is only one room. the kitchen and bedroom are all in one. luckily the bathroom is seperate.

i am actually in the process of designing a house i would like to have built. it's only a little cottage but it's cute. it has a large lounge area and a large bedroom. it still needs some tweaking. totally forgot to put in the walk-in robe. lol.

so i am currently at uni. not properly, but it's like a precursor to uni. it's called the steps program. it basically runs through the stuff we might have learned in senior school. it prepares us for proper uni. i am thinking of doing teaching next year. in the area of science. cause that's all i was really good at in high school. lol.

but in all seriousness, i really hope i can do well. i am just scared i will grow tired of it and drop out. i have already been thinking of quitting steps to get a full time job cause money is a big issue. my car needs fixing, i can barely afford rent at the place i am now, i need to get a computer for next year if i stay with uni. it's a lot to deal with. some days i feel like not getting out of bed, but i try to stay focused on teh end picture. it would be great if i ended up teaching at my old high school. what would i call the older teachers who were there when i was there? i would still be tempted to call them miss or sir. it would do my head in. lol.

i have to do a thing for steps called a heroes journey. it's supposed to catalogue our journey through steps. i have decided to do mine in the form of a blog. and it will be the raw thing. no editing. then i will provide my lecturer with a link to this blog and she can read my journey through here. i think it sounds like a plan.

soon i have to start my first big assignment. i have to do it on something current in australia at the moment. i am thinking of asking if i can do mine on depression. it's still a major thing in australia and i think the only reason you don't hear much about it is cause people still don't understand it. it's like austism. people think that someone who's autistic is automatically a retard. which is not the case. the teen and i were having a discussion about that this morning. we know a few autistic people and we actually recognise a fair few autistic traits within ourselves. to the point where we are actually questioning if we have mild autism or not. it would explain a hell of a lot. me not feeling like i can function well if there;s a change from routine, being stubborn when people tell me things that differ from what i know. just little things like that.

maybe i should see if i can study to teach children with a disability? then i could help with my cousins. =]

anyway, i have been sitting here for long enough. my Jew is waiting for me out near the bonfire. we are at the property this week. housesitting. someone needs to feed the pigs and the cows and the horses and the dogs. oh and the guinea fowl. and the chookens.

it's good to be back........

it's been some time since my last visit...

just been trying to settle in at the "new" house. and still trying to find a job. nothing as of yet, and i'm starting to get down about it. there's only so much rejection a girl can take.

i've just been job hunting and playing various games on facebook. farkle seems to be my current favourite.

but yeah.... i don't really know what else to update people with. not much happens when u don't have a job.

all i can really tell u is that i've put on weight and i got a new phone. so yeah. that is pretty much it.

i'll update again once something interesting happens.

i had a dream the other night......

First one I remember bits of for quite some time.


There was a lot happening. But I do remember feeling like I couldn't breathe, my chest was tight and I was panicking. Everything was moving like I was falling and I was facing towards the sky, as if I was laying on my back. I was trying to right myself and stop falling but I couldn't.

Then I looked up cause I heard a shrill bird shriek.


It was Fudge. It felt like she was coming to see if I was ok. And I remember looking up and smiling at her, and then I felt peaceful and everything faded to black.


i did some looking around on the net, and found some possible meanings for it all.

"Bird
To dream of chirping and/or flying birds, represents joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

To dream of dead or dying birds, foretells a period of coming disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are constantly on your mind.

To see bird eggs in your dream, symbolizes money.

To see deformed or odd birds in your dream,?indicates that you have a unique outlook and perspective on romance and love. The dream may also represent a lack of understanding in affairs of the heart.


Fall
To dream that you fall and are not frightened, signifies that you will overcome your adversities with ease.

To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may denote that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.

To dream that you are free-falling through water, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions. You may feel that it is easier to give up, then to try to stay afloat or prevent yourself from going under.?

*For an in depth analysis, please see Common Dreams: Falling.


Window
To see windows in your dream, signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight.?If the windows of a house is dark, then it indicates a loss in your perception or vitality.

To dream that you are looking out the window, signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness, point of view, awareness, and intuition. You may be reflecting on a decision and seeking guidance. Or you need to go out into the larger world and experience life. If you are looking in the window, then it indicates that you are doing some soul searching and looking within yourself.

To see shut windows in your dream, signifies desertion and abandonment.

Fear
To dream that you feel fear, indicates that your achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are experiencing anxieties in various aspects of your life. The key to overcoming your fear is to discuss them and deal with them openly.

To dream that you worse fears are coming true, signifies your resistance to change. You are afraid to confront the unknown aspects of yourself.


Scared
To dream that you are scared, indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence in your waking life. You may be feeling a lack of control. Perhaps you are having second thoughts about a decision you have made. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life.?


Peace
To dream of peace and tranquility, indicates an end or a resolution to an emotional issue or inner conflict. It may signal and end of a cycle and the pause before the beginning of a new endeavor. It also suggest that you have reached a new level of stability and calmness. Alternatively, the maddening quietness may refer to the calm before the storm.

Helpless
To dream that you are or feel helpless, suggests that you are experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself."

so basically from what i can gather, my dream is telling me that
- i have a sunny outlook on life and right now it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because of a decision;
- i may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem;
- i may be reflecting on a decision and seeking guidance;
- i am experiencing anxieties in various aspects of my life;
- Anger often masquerades as fear, so i must also consider issues about which i am angry about in my waking life;
- the maddening quietness may refer to the calm before the storm;
- i am experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship.

and to me, once i sit down and think about all the stuff that's going on and coming up, it's clear to me what that dream was about.

and it's not a great feeling when the problems u thought u wouldn't have to deal with yet because you're still so far away from all the drama but the feelings and issues start invading your dreams.

so i know what has to happen. and as much as i feel bad for them, things have to be said, and action has to be taken. otherwise i'll do my head in and that means we'll be back to square one. back where i was before i felt like i had been reborn.

all i want is the strength to face it all and come out unscathed.

mum and i were talking on my last visit, and we agree i care too much about other people, and it's time i start looking after myself. i can't afford to worry about hurting or upsetting others. i have to learn to put myself first for once, and i have to lay it on the line and say it how i see it.

you were my best friend once, but you have changed. you've become a selfish cow and you take my family for granted. and your other half isn't much better. they've done so much for you and when you're asked to put in a little extra effort or you're asked to stop doing certain things because it makes people feel uncomfortable, you whinge and complain like a little b***h. and you DON'T even bother putting urself in other's shoes to think about how they feel about what you do. I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY OWN FAMILY'S HOUSE!! you're too wrapped up in your own little world where u think everything's hunky dory. well let me tell u BUCKO, it's not. you've destroyed a good thing. and i hope you're happy. i don't even know if you read this, but if you do, it means i don't have to say it to your face, because if i do, emotions get in the way. and at least this way i get to say everything i feel without you interrupting.

it may sound harsh, but i've said a LOT worse about people. and this really needed to be said. as it is, there's is HEAPS more i could say, but i guess this is enough for now. because no doubt there will be talks/arguments soon, and i really don't know how things are going to go with that.

all i know is, i'm still not strong enough to deal with all the problems. it's not fair on me. i'm 800kms away and i still have to listen to all the problems! i just can't deal with it anymore and i just want it all to stop. and if that means sending you on your way, then i guess that has to happen.

i just want my family back. that's the bottom line. things haven't been good for a long time, and i just want the relaxed and happy feelings back.

i never realised......

how hard it actually is to eat mars bar slice when u have snakebites. specially when they decide to finally scratch u on the gums as u try to take a bite.


not fun.

hahahahahaha...... ow

So I thought I'd be good and go and get some exercise and rollerblade to coles to wait for jawsome to finish work. That's fine.

It's been ages since I last rollerbladed, and I forgot that jawsome's blades are top quality, not shitty little kmart ones like ours were.

I went downstairs to practice a few laps on the path. I never even got there. I rolled down one little slope (it's seriously fuckin tiny! Like less than an inch high...) and I went backwards! I came sooooo close to whacking my head on the concrete. I did manage to skin both palms and both elbows. I'm quite impressed with that. I took the blades off and went upstairs for panadol (I whacked my back pretty good too!) and to dettol my wounds. Yes guys, we actually have dettol. I'm glad I fought for that now.

And as for blading? Fuck that. I'll walk thanks. =/

hello post-easter crowd!

well it's been tourist season for the past weeks or so. and it's been shit!

luckily i didn't need to go anywhere last week. at some point there was an accident on the forster/tuncurry bridge and it was closed for like half an hour or more. there's only 2 ways out of forster. one is over the bridge. and the other way brings u out near bulahdelah. google earth it. it's like.... way far the wrong direction!!

we followed Big Red (first mentioned in the Moonin Brook episode...) through that back way once. it was dark. he drives fast. we lost sight of him. we had a mild panic at one moment cause we couldn't even see his lights ahead and it's a rather twisty and turny road. dirt too, i might add. it got to the point where we were keeping an eye out for a cloud of dust and skid marks leaving the road.

he was fine of course. we caught up with him once he slowed down for us. it took us about an hour before we finally got back out onto the highway.

aaaaanyway......

for easter, i got a dark lindt bunny on the friday, and i got a choccy egg on sunday. Jawsome gave me the bunny on friday cause he was working 7-4 saturday and sunday. he should get a decent pay this week. although that means i most likely won't get anything from centrelink. which is pretty suckful. and i'm still waiting on my rudd moneez. i have plans for that. i've decided i'm gonna cancel my glasses and just get them once we're in brissie. i have a bigger choice of frames as well in brissie.

so without getting the glasses, that leaves me with a bit more money for the move. i gotta buy the kids their plane tickets to come down so they can take one of the cars back, i can keep some for fuel now, and i can get my psp and some games, my disney dvds off layby, and i might be able to actually get my new ipod too! and i'll give the Teen my current one so Mutha doesn't have to worry about her nicking it anymore.

only thing is cause the old computer died without me being able to unauthorise it, there's only space for 1 computer after i take it off Jawsome's. but i don't think she'll mind too much. at least it'll be all hers and nobody will be able to take it off her. unless they steal it. which would be heaps shit. but oh well. won't be my problem.

ooooh i'm so excited. things seem to be coming along a little better now. poor Jawsome is getting a little stressed. the store he wanted to go to doesn't have the part time hours available for him, but they can give him a casual position. which will at least get us up there. then while he's not working, he can look for another job. and once i have myself a job, i'll be able to support him. i haven't heard anything back from any of the places i've applied at so far. but that could be causee my address on the resume is still NSW. once we move i reckon i'll have a better chance. i'm already gonna start putting the QLD address on it. so we'll just see what happens i guess.


oh and i've finally given in to the hype and i also have a twitter now. but i still don't really get it. it's like the facebook status thing. it's tiny. but i now have 2 people following me, and i'm following about 5 people. bunch of celebs.

i might go for a walk to the shops later. haven't done that in a while. and it's finally stopped raining. woohoo! i can see blue sky!

w00t for technology!

So I'm finally blogging from my hiptop. Yeah I managed to pay off my bill finally.

And I also put some dvds on layby. Disney ones in fact. I got pocahontas, robin hood, hercules, hunchback of notre dame and oliver and company.

Any copies of those that my family has are only on vhs and they're getting a bit old.. So I figured I'd replace them.

There's more disney dvds I want to get but they aren't available yet. So I'll just get them as they do become available. It's not rocket surgery.