i had a dream the other night......

First one I remember bits of for quite some time.


There was a lot happening. But I do remember feeling like I couldn't breathe, my chest was tight and I was panicking. Everything was moving like I was falling and I was facing towards the sky, as if I was laying on my back. I was trying to right myself and stop falling but I couldn't.

Then I looked up cause I heard a shrill bird shriek.


It was Fudge. It felt like she was coming to see if I was ok. And I remember looking up and smiling at her, and then I felt peaceful and everything faded to black.


i did some looking around on the net, and found some possible meanings for it all.

"Bird
To dream of chirping and/or flying birds, represents joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

To dream of dead or dying birds, foretells a period of coming disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are constantly on your mind.

To see bird eggs in your dream, symbolizes money.

To see deformed or odd birds in your dream,?indicates that you have a unique outlook and perspective on romance and love. The dream may also represent a lack of understanding in affairs of the heart.


Fall
To dream that you fall and are not frightened, signifies that you will overcome your adversities with ease.

To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may denote that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.

To dream that you are free-falling through water, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions. You may feel that it is easier to give up, then to try to stay afloat or prevent yourself from going under.?

*For an in depth analysis, please see Common Dreams: Falling.


Window
To see windows in your dream, signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight.?If the windows of a house is dark, then it indicates a loss in your perception or vitality.

To dream that you are looking out the window, signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness, point of view, awareness, and intuition. You may be reflecting on a decision and seeking guidance. Or you need to go out into the larger world and experience life. If you are looking in the window, then it indicates that you are doing some soul searching and looking within yourself.

To see shut windows in your dream, signifies desertion and abandonment.

Fear
To dream that you feel fear, indicates that your achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are experiencing anxieties in various aspects of your life. The key to overcoming your fear is to discuss them and deal with them openly.

To dream that you worse fears are coming true, signifies your resistance to change. You are afraid to confront the unknown aspects of yourself.


Scared
To dream that you are scared, indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence in your waking life. You may be feeling a lack of control. Perhaps you are having second thoughts about a decision you have made. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life.?


Peace
To dream of peace and tranquility, indicates an end or a resolution to an emotional issue or inner conflict. It may signal and end of a cycle and the pause before the beginning of a new endeavor. It also suggest that you have reached a new level of stability and calmness. Alternatively, the maddening quietness may refer to the calm before the storm.

Helpless
To dream that you are or feel helpless, suggests that you are experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself."

so basically from what i can gather, my dream is telling me that
- i have a sunny outlook on life and right now it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because of a decision;
- i may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem;
- i may be reflecting on a decision and seeking guidance;
- i am experiencing anxieties in various aspects of my life;
- Anger often masquerades as fear, so i must also consider issues about which i am angry about in my waking life;
- the maddening quietness may refer to the calm before the storm;
- i am experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship.

and to me, once i sit down and think about all the stuff that's going on and coming up, it's clear to me what that dream was about.

and it's not a great feeling when the problems u thought u wouldn't have to deal with yet because you're still so far away from all the drama but the feelings and issues start invading your dreams.

so i know what has to happen. and as much as i feel bad for them, things have to be said, and action has to be taken. otherwise i'll do my head in and that means we'll be back to square one. back where i was before i felt like i had been reborn.

all i want is the strength to face it all and come out unscathed.

mum and i were talking on my last visit, and we agree i care too much about other people, and it's time i start looking after myself. i can't afford to worry about hurting or upsetting others. i have to learn to put myself first for once, and i have to lay it on the line and say it how i see it.

you were my best friend once, but you have changed. you've become a selfish cow and you take my family for granted. and your other half isn't much better. they've done so much for you and when you're asked to put in a little extra effort or you're asked to stop doing certain things because it makes people feel uncomfortable, you whinge and complain like a little b***h. and you DON'T even bother putting urself in other's shoes to think about how they feel about what you do. I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY OWN FAMILY'S HOUSE!! you're too wrapped up in your own little world where u think everything's hunky dory. well let me tell u BUCKO, it's not. you've destroyed a good thing. and i hope you're happy. i don't even know if you read this, but if you do, it means i don't have to say it to your face, because if i do, emotions get in the way. and at least this way i get to say everything i feel without you interrupting.

it may sound harsh, but i've said a LOT worse about people. and this really needed to be said. as it is, there's is HEAPS more i could say, but i guess this is enough for now. because no doubt there will be talks/arguments soon, and i really don't know how things are going to go with that.

all i know is, i'm still not strong enough to deal with all the problems. it's not fair on me. i'm 800kms away and i still have to listen to all the problems! i just can't deal with it anymore and i just want it all to stop. and if that means sending you on your way, then i guess that has to happen.

i just want my family back. that's the bottom line. things haven't been good for a long time, and i just want the relaxed and happy feelings back.

i never realised......

how hard it actually is to eat mars bar slice when u have snakebites. specially when they decide to finally scratch u on the gums as u try to take a bite.


not fun.

hahahahahaha...... ow

So I thought I'd be good and go and get some exercise and rollerblade to coles to wait for jawsome to finish work. That's fine.

It's been ages since I last rollerbladed, and I forgot that jawsome's blades are top quality, not shitty little kmart ones like ours were.

I went downstairs to practice a few laps on the path. I never even got there. I rolled down one little slope (it's seriously fuckin tiny! Like less than an inch high...) and I went backwards! I came sooooo close to whacking my head on the concrete. I did manage to skin both palms and both elbows. I'm quite impressed with that. I took the blades off and went upstairs for panadol (I whacked my back pretty good too!) and to dettol my wounds. Yes guys, we actually have dettol. I'm glad I fought for that now.

And as for blading? Fuck that. I'll walk thanks. =/

hello post-easter crowd!

well it's been tourist season for the past weeks or so. and it's been shit!

luckily i didn't need to go anywhere last week. at some point there was an accident on the forster/tuncurry bridge and it was closed for like half an hour or more. there's only 2 ways out of forster. one is over the bridge. and the other way brings u out near bulahdelah. google earth it. it's like.... way far the wrong direction!!

we followed Big Red (first mentioned in the Moonin Brook episode...) through that back way once. it was dark. he drives fast. we lost sight of him. we had a mild panic at one moment cause we couldn't even see his lights ahead and it's a rather twisty and turny road. dirt too, i might add. it got to the point where we were keeping an eye out for a cloud of dust and skid marks leaving the road.

he was fine of course. we caught up with him once he slowed down for us. it took us about an hour before we finally got back out onto the highway.

aaaaanyway......

for easter, i got a dark lindt bunny on the friday, and i got a choccy egg on sunday. Jawsome gave me the bunny on friday cause he was working 7-4 saturday and sunday. he should get a decent pay this week. although that means i most likely won't get anything from centrelink. which is pretty suckful. and i'm still waiting on my rudd moneez. i have plans for that. i've decided i'm gonna cancel my glasses and just get them once we're in brissie. i have a bigger choice of frames as well in brissie.

so without getting the glasses, that leaves me with a bit more money for the move. i gotta buy the kids their plane tickets to come down so they can take one of the cars back, i can keep some for fuel now, and i can get my psp and some games, my disney dvds off layby, and i might be able to actually get my new ipod too! and i'll give the Teen my current one so Mutha doesn't have to worry about her nicking it anymore.

only thing is cause the old computer died without me being able to unauthorise it, there's only space for 1 computer after i take it off Jawsome's. but i don't think she'll mind too much. at least it'll be all hers and nobody will be able to take it off her. unless they steal it. which would be heaps shit. but oh well. won't be my problem.

ooooh i'm so excited. things seem to be coming along a little better now. poor Jawsome is getting a little stressed. the store he wanted to go to doesn't have the part time hours available for him, but they can give him a casual position. which will at least get us up there. then while he's not working, he can look for another job. and once i have myself a job, i'll be able to support him. i haven't heard anything back from any of the places i've applied at so far. but that could be causee my address on the resume is still NSW. once we move i reckon i'll have a better chance. i'm already gonna start putting the QLD address on it. so we'll just see what happens i guess.


oh and i've finally given in to the hype and i also have a twitter now. but i still don't really get it. it's like the facebook status thing. it's tiny. but i now have 2 people following me, and i'm following about 5 people. bunch of celebs.

i might go for a walk to the shops later. haven't done that in a while. and it's finally stopped raining. woohoo! i can see blue sky!

w00t for technology!

So I'm finally blogging from my hiptop. Yeah I managed to pay off my bill finally.

And I also put some dvds on layby. Disney ones in fact. I got pocahontas, robin hood, hercules, hunchback of notre dame and oliver and company.

Any copies of those that my family has are only on vhs and they're getting a bit old.. So I figured I'd replace them.

There's more disney dvds I want to get but they aren't available yet. So I'll just get them as they do become available. It's not rocket surgery.

and now for something completely random....

i went out to the kitchen to get something, i think it was my wallet..... when i saw a movement on the balcony. and we're on teh third story so it struck me as odd and i froze.

then when my brain switched on and registered what i was actually seeing.... i saw this:







so i got one of the apples we got in a fruit platter at the tavern and i cut it in pieces and sloooooowly walked out and opened the door and held a piece out.

one of the birds was a bit iffy to start with, but slowly reached out to grab the apple off me, but u know how they go to bite something that isn't really soft and they just knock it everywhere?? well it knocked it straight outta my hand and then looked at me as if to say "well.... u're the one who's gonna have to pick that up".

so i did.

then a bully one flew over and scared some timid ones away and then proceeded to trip over its own feet. i lol'd. but it knocked the piece as well. so i went to grab a fork to spike the apple so i wouldn't drop it but so the birds wouldn't bite me. but the inquisitive ones flew off and i was just left with 2 timid ones that looked too scared to even fly away.

so i just left the apple pieces on teh railing.

but that was entertaining for at least a little while.

just thought i'd put it up cause it reminded me of the times at the oooooold place when we used to feed the lorikeets. and one pooped on MOTH's head. i distinctly recall lol-ing at that too.

yick. just yick,

so.... first post for the month.

so.... did anyone do anything fun for april fools day???? i didn't...... lol.

last night was interesting. i didn't sleep. at all. i watched tv and was online until about 2 or 3, then played pharaoh until almost 7, and i'm still up. my brain (yes, it DOES exist) is telling me that i'm tired, but my body just doesn't want to stop. it sucks so bad. justin told me to go to the doctors if this continues. cause lately i haven't been getting to sleep until after midnight.

the worst part is, now i can't even think of what i actually came on here to write. my head feels so messed up. and this is quickly turning into a whinging rant so i'ma go look for something constructive to do.

toodles y'all.